GUYFACTOR.COM
http://www.guyfactor.com/features/lnt/040706.html

THE UNITED IDIOTS OF MYSPACE
by Andy Kwon

Ever wonder how your old classmates are doing? I do. Not because I long to play catch-up with former colleagues or profess my undying love to old crushes even in a half-joking way. Perhaps if I served the main function of a jester’s dream.

In any case, compliments of a blogging service called MySpace, the ability to track down members of my high school graduating class, was within my capable means. As I inspected the thick catalogue of names, I started recalling people who I seem to have forgotten since my distant teenage years, from the boys that I once knew to girls who indifferently passed me in the halls.

But upon curiously clicking on the familiar names, I was exposed to a diabolical trend. Everyone who owned these MySpace accounts were apparently still stuck in high school. Or they hadn’t aged at all... at least mentally, that is. Grown-ups now in their mid-20s capitalizing every other letter in their sentences, was only one of multiple incoherent patterns I discovered among the proud community boasting Junior, Bubble Boy, Armageddon and the likes as their favorite movies. Pointless shout-outs predominantly scattered the disjointed pages, as if they didn’t already live a block from one another. Yet even with these alarming antics, they had somehow managed to befriend over a hundred members, among them "Britney Spears" and "Beyonce Knowles."  

One particular kid that I had the blight of meeting during my high school years, attempted to write his biography as a sensitive introvert.. These were his undoctored words:

Whenever I can, I like to sit outside Starbucks with a drink and watch the busy world revolve around me. This would be my idea of relaxing. Just taking a break from the daily grind to sit down and watch life as it goes on.

Starbucks… and then he went on to say the following:

Who I’d like to meet: anyone not naïve, stupid, or sheltered.

One glorious morning, a noble citizen will sentence him to a furious beatdown and justice will rejoice.

The next exhibit involves a dreadful acquaintance I was required to endure from high school journalism class. I never did read any of the opinionated articles she wrote. And after willing myself through her never-winding profile, I regret nothing:

There is not a lot to say about my life, I’ll make it brief and sweet. I can take allot of bullshit before I snap, patience is a virtue I have, unless im dealing with LA traffic or ignorant people. I am a strong and independent woman. I give respect as I receive it. I love to draw/sketch it releases my unwanted stress, and I love music, without it my world would be incomplete...

[Editor’s note: A sizeable chunk has been axed off because the meaningless babbling would not end.]

… if you’re a friend of mine, you know I have your back for anything, I’m as loyal as they get. If you need me, ill be there any time, any place, no questions asked. My family comes first, my sisters are my best friends, my parents are the most hard working people I know, and if I become half the people they are, I can die content. I hate fake people, people who lie, and I especially hate PEOPLE WHO TALK TOO MUCH… [Editor’s note: yes, she really capitalized it.] so please do everyone a favor and keep that mouth closed. I’m pretty much a chill down to earth person, I go with the flow and I try to love life and live it...

She actually derails onto a whole new subject analyzing the spiritual ways of her life, but I think the message is evident - she is out of her mind. Yet in an upsetting turn of events, her hypocrisy is ousted by the succeeding member, who rages on and on about "bullshit," "assholes" and "shit talkers." The original message was obscenely epic so it was dramatically cut down to illustrate the point as succinctly as possible:

To everyone who wants to figure me out, STOP trying to figure me out, it'll never work because I won't let you! Trust me no one's really got me. Keep trying if it'll make you feel better, but just to piss you off I'll bust the biggest 360's you've ever seen.

DO NOT waste my time with nonsensical bullshit, I've got more important things to do. And if you're thinking "well you're here writing all of this crap on myspace, you're not that busy..." Yea you're right, but I'm still TOO BUSY for you're bullshit. I have NO patience!

I ABSOLUTELY HATE AND DESPISE SHIT TALKERS, HYPOCRITES, LIARS, ASSHOLES, MOST LIKELY YOU. DON'T FUCKING FRONT LIKE YOU'RE SOMETHING BETTER THAN ME. YOU'RE ALL SO RIGHT, YOU DON'T DESERVE SOMEONE LIKE ME.

Here's who I DON'T want to meet: stupid fucks, ignorant fucks, fucks that think they're all that, fucks that assume too much shit (keep in mind, assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups), fucks that wanna just fuck, fuck that are looking for relationships I ain't on here for that shit, & fucks that hit me up just because they think I'm cute or sexy or hot or whatever. Now, if you don't fit into any of those categories, I'd be more than happy to speak to you. Oh yea, I also don't wanna meet any fucks tryna hook-up in any way, shape, or form.

BTW: for your FYI make sure you've read my page, and checked out more than just my pictures. I don't like repeating myself. I will ignore you if you don't bother reading anything on my page.

Is it me, or is there a disturbing theme to note from these dreaded examples?

Somehow the bulk of MySpace members who post these messages tend to be egomaniacal wantons, who think we give a Fig Newton about their simple life. The hopeless constituent of it all is, they think we do because likeminded dodos flock and reward such quackery.

As evidenced, MySpace prevents the brain from developing, but allows grown men and women to exist stunted, inside a superficial bubble, where incoherence is empowerment and ignorance is godly, ultimately perpetuating the high school hierarchical system of idiots being outdone by even bigger idiots. We all get it. High school was fun. It was wonderful while it lasted, but now it’s time to close the yearbook and get the graduation song out of our heads. Maybe enter a poetry contest in lieu of popularity contests.

Drugs. My anti-MySpace.
Some users will plead innocence, alleging their profiles are written with grammatical perfection. Whoopteedo. So you like cocoa beans and collect beanie babies. Why did you write that? Grow up and quit posting self-obsessed updates about your personal life. It doesn't matter that you rode a 5-speed to the post office or ate chicken fingers on your way back.

The ironic part is, these exact MySpace subscribers are always complaining about how it ruined their lives and yet cease to withdraw from its heretic clutches. So instead of vainly compelling addicts to relinquish their souls from the satanic stranglehold, I heed tomorrow’s victims to learn from the idiots of today. Rise and take charge of a bright and promising future. Fight the power. Fight the ignorance. Save some face. Say "no" to MySpace.

EDITOR'S CUT... (or something)

Editor's Note: The proceeding segment has to do with MySpace, but bears small relevance to the article. Still, it was too bizarre to pass up the opportunity to share an experience a devout Christian posted on her medical blog. Quite honestly, we don't know what to make of this as well. Don't grab yourself a bucket of greasy popcorn and a frosty one. Just... brace yourself:

My heart melts easily over a decent man. Alfred was scheduled for heart catherization on January 1 of this year after experiencing chest pains. As his American doctor, I wanted to put my patient at ease. In chat the night before I went over a checklist I knew he could easily answer in the affirmative: no alcohol, no pork, no obesity, no sexually transmitted diseases. The last item he replied, "No sexuality." A forty-four year old man who confesses avoiding fornication melts my heart.

This paragon of virtue called me ten minutes before surgery and asked me to pray. Several days after the ballooning which lasted four and a half hours and was witnessed by many colleagues on the faculty, he told me the 5 AM telephone call was actually twenty minutes before the procedure. Still I was impressed how calm my patient was and tried to focus on blood sacrifice of the ram God provided Father Abraham in the little time we had left in case he slipped out into eternity.

Remarkably, the surgeon was also concerned about Alfred's eternal destiny and told our patient on the table if he dies, he will go to hell. His friends who canceled appointments to watch were crying out for bypass but Alfred wanted to continue ballooning at great risk to his life and comfort. I agreed with the cardiology professor but for very different reasons. There is no salvation in Islam.

Alfred has fully recovered, given up smoking, predictably gained a little weight, and plans to take his USMLE ASAP. In our last chat, he talked about how he is seeking infinity and has felt strange the last few days. I conclude he either is suffereing from too little oxygen to the brain or more likely is having a conversion experience. I don't want to insult a man of honor by questioning if no more smoking includes water pipes. He sheepishly associates water pipes with TB while the American doctor of bluff pictures opium dens along the Nile.

Please send all comments and suggestions to andykwon@guyfactor.com.